A view of Earth on August 26, 2011. Courtesy NASA Goddard Photo and Video
IF you are in the American northeast or even somewhat clued in, you know by now that Hurricane Irene is bearing down on the east coast of the United States, with New York—where I live—firmly in her sights. I have been glued to The Weather Channel since yesterday evening and yes, I did make a water run to Food Emporium earlier today, so I am a bit worried. To take a break from the hurricane insanity, here are my four kinda apocalyptic visions of what might happen on Sunday.
1. New York City will be entirely submerged. Boats sailing above our waterlogged heads will have to watch out on their radar screens for the tops of tall buildings, lest the Empire State Building spire tears a jagged hole in their bottoms and they all sink, à la Titanic. Exactly two years later, a blockbuster Hollywood film will be made about this extreme weather event, starring Colin Farrell and Anne Hathaway. It will be called THE HURRICANE (in all caps) and will incorporate true stories such as the one about the family who saved their neighbors in their 34 foot yacht. The husband and wife had been planning on getting a divorce, and the lawyers had been fighting over who would get to keep the boat, but after the adrenaline rush that was surviving Irene, they decide to stay together and live happily ever after. They rename their boat Irene.(And yes, in my version, sharks will indeed be swimming down the street. The street will be 42nd.)
This photograph which made the rounds online, was purported to be of a shark swimming down the street in Puerto Rico after the hurricane hit. It was later revealed as a fake.
2. A televangelist from Texas will say it’s the wrath of God falling on the heathen New Yorkers. (After all, we did legalize gay marriage earlier this summer.) First it was a light warning with Tuesday’s 30-second tremor. We did not mend our elite and liberal ways. This weekend the heavens are making their displeasure known with Hurricane Irene. (Does the name “Irene” have a Biblical reference? Surely it must. According to Google, Irene was the Greek goddess of peace. There’s also a Saint Irene, one of three sisters who were martyred for their faith in Macedonia. What’s the subtext in that?) Next week, if we continue to be wicked, the mighty Lord is planning to send a plague of locusts. (To save yourself, etch a giant “R” in your doorway to proclaim your Republican-ness, says the priest.) The televangelist will hold a prayer meeting where the local NRA membership will sell guns and rocket launchers. No IDs needed, only a rosary. In the affected red states, the governors will decree that they will accept no federal handouts for post-hurricane reconstruction until the U.S. government deficit has been reduced to zero.
The Truman Show
3. An 18-foot wall of water will crash over FDR Drive and reveal the cleverly painted wall that proves we’ve all been living on a giant Truman Show-esque set all these years. “The Real Real Lives of New Yorkers” is what the show was called, as we were being broadcast all over the world to a riveted audience. Jimmy Choo as a brand does not exist outside the set that is Manhattan. Neither does Tiffany. (Yes, the conspiracy existed all the way back to the time of Audrey Hepburn and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.) Your ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends were lowly extras hired by the show’s producers who were not deemed interesting or attractive enough to keep around. Oh, and that company that didn’t hire you? That was a last-minute script change to increase the ratings and keep the suspense going. You would have totally got the job in the real world. The hurricane, ironically, will free us all.
4. The mighty Irene will decide that scaring us senseless was enough, and will graciously divert her path and fizzle out harmlessly over the Atlantic. The lawmakers will thank their luck or whatever people are thanking these days, and enforce stronger environmental regulations. All over the world, governments will come together to draft new treaties to stop burning fossil fuels, to stop polluting the environment, to reduce our carbon footprint, stop the drilling for oil in the Canadian tar sands, and take urgent measures to stop global warming. Tuvalu, Micronesia, the Maldives and other islands will hold a week-long Ibiza-style party to celebrate their continued existence. Electric cars will become super popular. Oil companies will look for ways to monopolize the production of zero-pollution transportation options. Factories will go green. Climate change science will be taught in schools everywhere—even in the part of Texas where the aforementioned televangelist lives. . (So will evolution.)
Sadly, though, I fear that scenario number 4 is not the most likely. And that says more about our world than my overactive imagination.
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